FAQs

1. My family says it can't be that bad and I need to stop complaining.
   Families often do not realize how bad the abuse is because victims rarely share all the details, or families subscribe to the traditional notion of "stand by your man". The truth is: "no one deserves to be abused." You "do not" have to stay. Find an agency that can help you access resources to support your needs and help you live a violence-free life.
2. If he doesn't hit me is it still domestic violence?
   Abuse takes many forms:
   
   • Hitting;
   • Slapping;
   • Pushing;
   • Shoving; and
   • Forcing unwanted sexual contact on you are just some of the physical symptoms.
   • Isolation from friends and family;
   • Not allowing you to have access to bank accounts or money of your own;
   • Tracking mileage;
   • Tracking what you spend at the grocery store;
   • Monitoring phone calls;
   • Frequently calling to see where you are or who you are with;
   • Jealousy;
   • Threats to harm himself if you leave; and
   • Publicly embarrassing you, insults, belittling, and name-calling can all be symptoms of domestic violence.
3. He says that he'll kill the kids, himself, and me if I leave.
   There isn't a scarier situation than this. Find a domestic violence agency that can help you plan safe options and access services to help you decide what is best for you and your children.
4. How do I find these agencies?
   The telephone book contains the telephone numbers for Domestic Violence Shelters; and for safety reasons, they do not list the addresses for these shelters. Also, the Victim Assistance Units of your local police and sheriff department's will provide you with contact information to community-based agencies. In addition, it is a good idea for you to keep a list of resources tucked away in your wallet.
5. We were fighting and my partner threw an ash try at me, but it hit the wall. The neighbors called the police, and they did nothing. Why?
   Police officers have the very difficult job of sorting out who did what to whom when responding to a domestic violence call. If there are no obvious injuries, it is very hard for them to know who's telling the truth.
   • Often the perpetrator is calm when telling the police what happened, while the victim is hysterical. That, unfortunately, makes the perpetrator's story seem more believable; however, having the police respond should generate a report and document any injuries, the condition of your home and statements from each of you.
   • Get the report number from the officer and the phone number for victim assistance.
   • If bruises begin to show, get pictures of them and call the police back.
   • Call the police each time the abuse occurs because this documents the events and patterns of abuse happening to you.
   • If you decide to leave and seek a protection order, the police documents will support your request for need of protection through the courts.
6. The kids don't know about the abuse. What will I tell them if I decide to leave?
   If the children live in your home, they know about the abuse. At some point they come to see the abuse as normal, which is one of the things that makes domestic violence a generational issue. Get support for yourself and your children whether or not you leave the relationship.
7. Everyone thinks that my husband is the greatest guy--everyone loves him. Why would anyone believe me?
   Charismatic personalities are common among batterers so in reality, many people may not believe that your partner is abusive. But you know that he is.
   Talk about what is happening to you with a trusted family member or friend. Seek out support from a community agency or a therapist who understands domestic violence, and who can help validate what you are feeling.
8. How does a protection order protect me?
   With a protection order, the batterer has been identified and ordered not to have contact with you, or to threaten or harass you. No physical violence has to occur for police to enforce the protection order.
   To make an arrest-when domestic violence occurs-without a protection order in place, police must be able to determine that someone was injured and be reasonably sure who caused that injury.
9. How can I get a protection order?
   Submit a petition to the county court. Project Safeguard legal advocates can help you with the process.
10. I don't have any money. Can I still get a protection order?
    By statute, there is no charge for domestic violence victims petitioning the courts for protection orders.
    You are not required to have an attorney to obtain a protection order. Project Safeguard legal advocates can provide you with the appropriate forms and help you to understand the court process. If, however, you require the services of an attorney, Project Safeguard can help you identify agencies that provide low-cost representation.
11. Is a protection order permanent?
    It can be. If the court determines protection is appropriate, a temporary order is issued for 14 days. In 14 days you must come back to court for a more in-depth hearing. At this time, you must present evidence to support your need for continued protection through the courts.
12. Can I violate my own protection order?
    Technically no, but the need for protection orders is based on imminent danger to you, so people tend to minimize your fear or sincerity if you initiate contact with the perpetrator and end up having to call the police for protection.
13. I have a protection order, but what if I am out of town or out of state and my partner finds me and hits me?
    Call the local police. In 1994, Congress passed the Violence Against Women Act. Part of that law states that "All Cities, Counties, States, Territory or Indian Tribal land shall honor and enforce protection orders from other jurisdictions."
14. What if I change my mind about a protection order?
    If circumstances change, and you are no longer in danger or afraid; you can petition the court to lift a protection order.
15. I want to leave but I am afraid. My religion says I should stay, my partner says he will take the children, he will call immigration, they will deport me and my family will disown me.
    Abuse is never ok; however, religion and culture are strong factors when deciding how to stop abuse.
    
    • Threats of being ostracized from your community may be real, but in most cases immigration status is not affected.
    • Reaching a decision about securing safety for yourself and your children is difficult even with the love and support of family and friends. Without that support and with the stress of culture, a decision may be too difficult to make at all.
    • Some women are afforded relief through religious or cultural intervention. But for those who cannot trust their safety to these sources, domestic violence shelters and advocacy organizations should be her resources.
16. I need a protection order, but I want the children to be able to see their father.
    Usually care and control of minor children is awarded to the protected party at the temporary protection order hearing. This serves as a cooling off period. Fourteen (14) days later at the permanent orders hearing, a parenting plan can be made part of the orders for a period of 120 days-if both parents are present.
17. Can I get a permanent protection order on behalf of my children?
    Not for biological children of the abuser. An order of custody is required to determine whether a parent may have contact with their children. These matters are handled by the Domestic Relations Court.
18. My partner and I never married. When he abuses me is it domestic violence?
    Yes. Abuse or violence between two people who have bonded through an intimate relationship constitutes domestic violence.
19. My baby's daddy took the kids, and the police won't make him give them back.
    Parents have equal rights to their children unless there is a custody order in place.