Domestic Violence Dynamics

Violence and abuse that occurs in relationships is not about love. It is a behavior that uses power and control to create an environment of fear and intimidation. Isolation from friends and family, financial dependency and accountability, threats to harm or take the children, and threats or acts of violence are common methods of control. Thus, in relationships where this imbalance of power occurs, there may be physical, emotional, psychological, sexual or financial components to the control exerted over a partner.

The occurrence of domestic abuse is not a new phenomenon. Since medieval times women and children have been considered a man's chattel. While not traceable to Common Law, reference to the phrase "rule-of-thumb" as the acceptable law regarding punishment to a man's spouse, dates back to the 1700's. According to that belief, the rule gives permission for a husband to discipline a wife or child with a stick as long as it is no larger in circumference than his thumb. Child abuse became a prosecutable offense through the extension of animal abuse laws in 1873, spousal abuse in and of itself is still not a crime in Colorado.

Today, domestic violence is an insidious vermin eating away at the fabric of American society. In some cases it is overt, in most it is a tightly held family secret. In truth, one in three women experience some form of domestic abuse. These women may be pre-adolescent or elderly; rich or poor; educated or undereducated; have a professional career or unemployed outside the home; and they can be of any race, religion or sexual orientation.

We tolerate this abuse because we view it as a family matter. In order to intervene and hold perpetrators accountable for their actions we have to acknowledge domestic violence as a societal issue. Unraveling the mystery of these abusive relationships deals with complex emotions and generational reinforcement making our commitment to ending the violence a long-term investment. This is not an investment we make alone.

Ending centuries of violence will take all of us.

Questions

Following are some common questions regarding domestic violence:

"So why doesn't she leave"? The question isn't why doesn't she leave; the question is, "Why does he abuse her"?

As a society, we don't ask this question even though between 40 to 50% of women who are murdered in this country will be killed by an intimate partner. We place responsibility for the abuser's behavior with the abused. Women remove themselves and their children from the violence, but it follows them. So women stay and tolerate abuse for reasons that make no sense to individuals who do not live with violence.

"So why doesn't she leave"?

• She sees no way out
• He will carry out his threats
• He may let her leave but not the children so, she stays to protect them
• Her religious, cultural or family beliefs would condemn her for not being a good wife
• He is a community leader or authority figure
• Who would believe her
• She has low self-esteem
• She doesn't realize the abuse is abnormal
• She loves him, he is not always abusive

"What can you do"?

• Become educated about domestic violence
• Recognize the signs
• Reach out to anyone you feel may be a victim, show your support and concern
• Listen and believe when someone talks about domestic violence
• Provide a list of community resources to individuals seeking help
• Encourage her to use the resources to help herself and her children
• Make others aware of the magnitude of domestic violence

"What can you say"?

• "I am concerned for you and your children."
• "You didn't/don't cause the violence."
• "You don't deserve to be abused."
• "Abuse is not love."
• "There are other women like you."
• "There are people you can talk to who know about domestic violence."
• "I am sorry this is happening to you."
• "You are brave to reach out for help."
• "I am proud of you for protecting yourself and your children."
• "Be proud of yourself."

Local Resource Websites:

National Informational Resource Websites